really, Lord?

Have you ever found yourself on the edge of unbelief? Teetering on the rim of knowing that He can, but desperately fighting the thoughts of "but what if He doesn’t"? The balancing act of believing without faltering in my faith can be exhausting.  Clinging to the faithfulness of His very nature without giving in to the humanness of my doubting can make me weary, but the triumph of experiencing the manifestation of His goodness is so worth enduring the angst during the trial.

The past 5 months have been filled with many lessons of perseverance during times of testing. The Lord has been teaching me to trust Him – completely. There have been times that I have faltered. Times that I have felt myself slipping into the pit of despair and disbelief. But my God is so faithful.

When I have so badly needed His peace, He has delivered it to me.

When I so anxiously needed a Word from Him, He has provided that for me.

When I needed a calming influence, He bestowed it. When I needed rest, He ordained it. When I became weak, He remained strong.

There were times when I didn't think I could handle any more road bumps along the way. I would think, “What now, Lord? How much do you think I can handle?” And He would so graciously enable me to make my way through the thorns and thistles of that journey and walk beside me every step of the way. Generously dispensing the soothing balm of His presence to my very needy spirit.  He is just so good.

The week before Christmas was spent anxiously awaiting test results on my youngest daughter. Tests that were being redone after not so good results the first time around. Tests on my baby girl who was then 24 weeks pregnant with her 4^th little blessing. Test results that we wouldn't get back until the day after Christmas.

I can remember saying, “Really, Lord? I am already stressed to the max over the journey I am on with my precious sister, and now this? A time when I am trying to focus on you and have an amazing time with my family? How can I even enjoy the holiday when I am in the midst of all this uncertainty?”

And I felt His sweet whisper. “Yes, Beth. Right here at Christmas time. What better time to keep your eyes focused on me and remain steadfast in your faith. What better time to cling to what you know to be true and to what I have already shown you.”

He was so right. Over and over, my God has shown Himself mighty and faithful. He has revealed His goodness. He has carried me when my steps faltered. He has embraced me when my spirit needed assurance. Over and over again, He granted me sweet peace.

The “what if’s” have been extended into “then God...”

Uncertainty has been replaced by knowing that He is in the midst of it no matter what. My faith journey has been a step-by-step process of learning to lean fully on my Savior without hesitation.

Listening more intently for His voice.

Recognizing His quiet whisper to my soul.

Resting deeply in the knowledge of who He is.

Basking in the presence of an Almighty, Omniscient, Immutable, Eternal God.

My thirsty spirit continues to long for more intimacy with Christ. And I cherish this ongoing pursuit of my soul  for Him as I desire a closer relationship with my Savior. I want to want Him with an insatiable hunger and I pray that this longing grows deeper and deeper each day.

He is faithful and good and He is all I need.

And the test results we got back? Much to the doctors surprise? Perfectly normal. Praise you, Jesus, for your healing power and the miracles you so sweetly grant to us. For now I am continuing to believe in the coming healing and Victory in the life of my sweet sister. His Word is true and He is faithful.